


Just Trying (To Drain All This Bad Blood)

by thewomanofwonder



Category: Birds of Prey (And the Fantabulous Emancipation of One Harley Quinn) (2020)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-22
Updated: 2020-03-22
Packaged: 2021-03-01 00:02:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,491
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23265874
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thewomanofwonder/pseuds/thewomanofwonder
Summary: A particularly rough mission leads to a heavy discussion between Dinah and Helena.Trigger warning for mention/discussion of suicide and suicidal thoughts as well as some talk of human trafficking at the beginning
Relationships: Helena Bertinelli/Dinah Lance
Comments: 10
Kudos: 145





	Just Trying (To Drain All This Bad Blood)

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warning for mention/discussion of suicide and suicidal thoughts as well as some talk of human trafficking at the beginning, so please exercise caution and do not read if that is triggering for you. An update of Nine Lives is coming soon, so just wait for that if you need. Take care of yourself.
> 
> May add another chapter if there is interest, but as of right now, it is a one-shot.
> 
> As always, hope y'all enjoy. Please leave comments telling Cio to write some Dinah/Helena content.

In their line of work, things didn’t always go well. The Birds of Prey were incredibly good at what they did, but some things were just out of their control. Renee knew that. Dinah knew that. Helena knew that. It wasn’t so easy to always remember that, though.

It was human trafficking ring that they were busting. Most of the victims were goods, which made it feel personal for all three of the women. They had planned the mission to a T, and executed it just as well. They were quick. They were stealthy. They were effective, and precise. They had done good, and had managed to get most of the victims out. Renee was keeping watch of the kids while Helena and Dinah cleared out the last section of the building.

Helena rounded a corner, Dinah right behind her, and froze. One of the men running the operation had rounded up several of the kids. He raised his gun to one of the kids, a boy who couldn’t have been more than ten years old, and Helena pulled the trigger. He moved, though. Stepped back barely a foot, but it was enough, and the arrow glided right past him, narrowly avoiding his face, and he pulled the trigger. Helena’s second arrow didn’t miss. He whipped around to start shooting at her and Dinah, but was cut short by the arrow piercing his neck. She hadn’t even realized she was firing again until the arrow hit him, and flash of Victor Zsasz with a machine gun hit her like a steam roller. Dinah was rushing to the kids, counting them, huddling them, reassuring them. Doing everything right. Helena didn’t move, though; her eyes stayed fixed on the boy on the ground, unmoving, unsaved, and all she could see was her little brother. Her little brother gunned down by Victor Zsasz. This boy gunned down by a different man. Her arrow was sixteen years too late for one, and a second too late for the other. Footsteps echoed behind her as someone ran towards her, but Helena didn’t budge; she knew the sound of Renee’s boots on concrete. Renee paused for a moment to stare at Helena, look to the scene ahead, and then back at Helena, before running to help Dinah.

“Go, I got this.” Renee said, waving her off. Dinah looked at her in confusion, but her face dropped when Renee nodded her head towards Helena, standing still and in shock in the same place Dinah had left her. “The cops are on their way now for the kids. You and Huntress get out of here. She probably needs you right now.” Dinah nodded, and jogged over to Helena.

“Helena, baby. Look at me, please.” Helena’s gaze moved to meet Dinah’s, but it was still unfocused in a way the only worried Dinah more. “Let’s go home, okay? Renee has it under control from here.” Helena didn’t give any indication that she heard her, but she allowed Dinah to take her hand and lead her to the car anyway. 

The drive home wasn’t long, but the heavy silence felt like it. Dinah had no idea what to say, and Helena was so locked in her own thoughts that it would have been unfair to expect her to speak anyway. The walk to their apartment after parking was even worse. Walking up the stairwell and down the hall was usually one of the smaller joys in their lives because it was always an opportunity for small smiles and little jokes. It was silent too, though. Something about Helena changed in the walk to the apartment, though. Dinah could see the twitch of her fingers, the way her brow was angrily furrowed, and she knew Helena had settled into her default emotion for when things weren’t going well.

The moment the door of their apartment shut behind them, Helena was throwing things. Her mask, her crossbow, kicking one of the chairs at their table across the floor, yanking her jacket off and throwing it, knocking the puzzle she had been working on off the counter. Every move led to a louder yell and a more unsteady look. Her whole body was shaking and tense, and Dinah saw the twitch of her arm muscles just in time to catch her hand before it hit the wall.

“Hey! Hey, stop. Helena, you need to take a breath, okay?” Dinah tried her best to steady her by holding both of her hands and meeting her eyes. “You have got to talk to me here.”

“I failed.” Helena snapped, yanking her hands from Dinah’s and taking a step back.

“Helena, you didn’t-”

“I did! I failed that kid. I failed my brother. Hell, I failed my whole fucking family. I was too late, again, and I couldn’t save him.” Dinah’s heart sank as the anger in Helena’s eyes slowly faded into resignation. “I got that little boy killed…” She looked away from Dinah, like the was something far away that only she could see. “I should have followed my original plan. Maybe things could have been different.” Dinah frowned in confusion.

“What original plan? You completed your mission, H.” Helena shook her head.

“Not fully.” She whispered. “I was supposed to kill all of them and be done. Kill them all… and then I could be done. I could quit. I could finally rest.” Nothing was making sense to Dinah. Why hadn’t she brought this up before?

“Helena, baby, we can take time off from this if you need a break. We can-”

“That isn’t what I mean by resting.” Helena huffed out, a hint of anger still clear in her voice. Dinah paused, still confused.

“What?” She asked, desperately needing and wanting clarification. Helena was so angry with herself, and Dinah just did not understand; she always wants her to explain things, so she spelled it out for her.

“Galante. His firing squad. Victor Zsasz. And then myself. Release, rest. I could be done. Things could have been different if I had completed my mission how I planned. Maybe that boy would still…” She trailed off, but her admission was something Dinah can’t quite take.

Dinah felt like her world was going to crumble around her. The walls were caving in and filling with water, and Helena was right there, but she just couldn't reach her. She looked at Helena’s eyes, saw how tired she was as they stared back at each other, both so shaken to the core. Dinah could see it in them. Helena was so, so tired. Exhausted. Of fighting? Of the anger? Of course. Of living? That couldn’t be. She said it was, but… it couldn’t be. Dinah wouldn’t… She felt the tears building up in her eyes and threatening to fall, the way her legs shook and could lose the ability to support her any minute. She reached out, maybe to steady Helena, maybe herself, maybe both, but she pulled her hands back. 

“Helena, I… we need to… I don’t…” Her thoughts were so jumbled. Where do you even begin with something so earth shatteringly heavy? “What do you need? What can I do? What will help you? This isn’t… you can’t go like that. Please. Are you willing to talk about this?” Helena hesitated, shuffled uncomfortably under Dinah’s heartbroken gaze. She wasn’t entirely sure why Dinah cared so much. Well, a part of her knew. But there was that other part of her that had been planning for years. Far longer than she had known Dinah or Renee or Cass or Harley.

“I…” She started. Her voice sounded dry, probably from the yelling. “I don’t know what there is to talk about.” She evaded, but she knew perfectly well what there was to discuss. Dinah wouldn’t let it slide, though. Maybe if it were some other issue, but not this. Helena cannot beat around the bush this time. This is completely different from all the other times.

“Don’t bullshit me, Helena. You know what there is to talk about. You know I’m upset by this, and why.” Helena opened her mouth, ready to try cutting her off, but Dinah wouldn’t let her. “You mean so much to me, Helena. So fucking much, okay? I know we don’t talk about… this.” She says, gesturing between the two of them. “In depth. I know we don’t talk about feelings a lot and that isn’t your fault because you are still figuring things out, but I need you to listen to me here. You are more important to me than I can ever explain. The late night puzzles and early morning breakfast and goofing off on the couch or out with the others getting tacos? I want you around for that. I need you around for that.” Dinah’s voice was straining, her heart aching and racing in her chest, but she had to keep going. “Tonight was not great. I know. Trust me, Renee and I will feel that loss every day too, and I know you think about your family every day, but these things are not your fault. You could not have done anything differently to change the outcome. You did your best. Sometimes things just don’t go our way. I know you are angry and tired, but… to do that… to… that is not the option. You can’t… You can’t do that. I’m going to do whatever it takes to make you see that there is plenty worth sticking around for.” Her voice cracked toward the end, a sob fighting its way to get out of her chest. Helena averted her gaze for a moment, took a deep breath, and stepped back close to Dinah.

“Dinah, I- It’s not that I want… I just don’t know what else to do. I don’t… I don’t deserve the things you are talking about and all that’s left it…” She trailed off, and Dinah looked like the statement actually made her feel worse, and that made Helena feel worse. She didn’t want to upset Dinah. That was last thing she ever wanted to do, but then, fuck, Dinah started crying. Like crying, crying. Like broken sob, short of breath, unstoppable stream of tears, crying. And Helena felt responsible, and she didn’t really know what to do, but she knew what Dinah would do for her, so she stepped forward and wrapped her arms around the shorter woman, pulling her tightly against her body. Dinah struggled for a minute, even hitting Helena’s chest angrily with her fist once, but then she settled into the comfort of Helena’s hold.

“Please don’t leave me like that.” She choked out. Dinah hated crying just as much as the next person. The last time she cried was when Roman had violated that woman in his club, and then made Dinah dance with him. Sometimes, when people were too close, she could still feel Sionis’ disgusting breath lingering against her skin like a phantom. But there, in Helena’s arms, Dinah couldn’t help but feel safer than ever.

“I’m sorry.” Helena mumbled into Dinah’s hair. Her voice sounded odd, out of balance, like she was holding something back. She released a wavering breath. “Dinah…” she whispered, and oh, Dinah loved the way Helena said in her name, even in a moment like that. “Don’t cry. Please.” It wasn’t a command, closer to the beginning of a beg than anything. In fact, Helena just sounded sad and mildly distressed over Dinah’s tears, and all she could do was wrap her muscular arms around the songbird even more tightly, more securely.

Dinah looked up, her nose brushing against Helena’s jawline as she went to look her in the eyes. Helena reached up timidly and wiped a tear from Dinah’s cheek, leaving her hand there. Dinah moved her hand, placed it reassuringly over Helena’s and held it there.

“Please let me help you. You don’t have to feel this way.”

“Dinah, I just don’t know how you can help… I know you… I don’t know…” Helena whispered, trailing off. Dinah knew how best to help Helena, and she wasn’t sure how it would go over, but she had to rip the bandaid off.

“I think you should talk to someone… like Harley.” There was a shift in Helena’s eyes that Dinah could pinpoint; it happened at the mention of Harley.

“Harley?” She sounded confused. “She’s not exactly…” Dinah shook her head.

“I don’t mean Harley as in… Harley… though I’m sure she would be willing to help given that she adores you… but I meant like… a psychiatrist or a therapist. Just in general. Someone who understands how things like this work in your brain and can help you work through things in whatever the best way is.”

“I just… I don’t know if…” Helena seems to be considering it. “Like therapy?” Dinah nodded. “And it… do you think Harley could… I don’t know if I could trust someone who didn’t… know me?” Helena looked insecure. “Would you be there?” Dinah gave a soft smile.

“Yeah, like therapy. If you’re okay with it, of course. I don’t want to do anything not on your terms. If you would be most comfortable with Harley, then we can ask her. She may not exactly be qualified anymore, but she definitely has more expertise than either of us do. And I can be there if that’s what you want. It’s all on your terms, baby. You have to be willing to do this for yourself.” She laughed lightly, then added, “You have to want it. It can’t just be to make me stop crying, okay?” Helena looked deep in thought for a moment, then nodded.

“Sure,” She drawled eventually, but not in a was that made it feel dishonest. Helena was a bad liar when it came to Dinah anyway, so she rarely even tried. “I’m not paying Harley, though.” Dinah laughed loudly.

“I’m sure she’ll probably do it for free. She loves psychoanalyzing people. Worst case we can offer to let Cass stay with us more often so Harley can spend more time with Ivy.” Dinah trailed her hand down Helena’s arm and smiled up at her. “Wanna go lay down on the couch?”

Helena gave a short nod and let Dinah drag her over to the couch in their living area. Dinah spun them around when they reached it, and pushed Helena gently down onto the cushions so she was lying on her back. Dinah laid down with her, snatching the blanket from the back of the couch and throwing it over the two of them. Helena wrapped her arms around her as Dinah rested her head against Helena’s chest, closing her eyes and listening to the sound of her heartbeat.

“I’m so glad you’re alive, Helena.” She whispered softly, and she didn’t hear a response, but she felt Helena squeeze her a little tighter, letting her know that everything would be okay.


End file.
